When someone dies, does the family really appreciate the flowers, cards and food that people give?

I have often wondered this – especially at work. When someone’s loved one dies, our office immediately sends out a huge bouquet of flowers and buys a card for everyone in the department to sign. The next thing they want to do is provide cooked meals for the family. I know this is the common thing to do from an etiquette standpoint, but do you think people really appreciate these things? It seems as if some people could actually use the money that we spend on the $80 flower arrangement. Since I have worked here, there have been two tragic deaths – where the employee’s spouse killed themselves.

When someone dies, does the family really appreciate the flowers, cards and food that people give?
I think you and your co-worker might be in the minority on this issue.



I have a co-worker whose niece and "nephew in law" recent died in a murder suicide; the co-worker and I have discussed this about his (the co-worker's) brother and his loss of his daughter. (Okay, a pause right here. Are you following all the players in this? OK.)



While the brother appreciates all the concern, care, and support, financial and otherwise, after about three or four weeks, it becomes overbearing even though people mean well. He and his wife are considering getting away for a weekend or a week just to get away from all the well-meaning people expressing their condolences and wanting to help. He just is emotionally exhausted and wants to focus on some other area of his life.



My recommendation? Express your condolences however God calls you to do so initially and then back off. But weeks and months down the road, as others have moved on, be sure to check in with the grieving person periodically just to let them know you care. I have never lost a close close relative, but from what I hear the "firsts" after a death (anniversary, Christmas, birthdays, etc.) are always hard. Key in on or around those dates if you can.
Reply:Absolutely. With flowers and cards, they appreciate being thought of. With food, they appreciate having one less thing to worry about (cooking in this case) in a time when they're already under maximum stress.



If you think people could use the money, you might consider going in on something practical like a prepaid gasoline card - as with the food, it gives the grieving person one less thing to have to worry about.
Reply:Yes. They may not appreciate it immediately because they are so numb from the grief, but once things settle a little, they will go back through who sent flowers and care packets and they will be touched by the outpouring of support.



Sending food is thoughtful because when they do want to eat or if there are small children to feed, they don't have to worry about preparing it.
Reply:I think it is wonderful to send flowers, money, or food. For example when my father died I was so consumed with planning the funeral and getting my little daughters ready to travel, that food was the last thing on my mind. While I was ok and did not miss food, it was a blessing to have food at hand to feed my kids. In many cases if a family does not want flowers, food, money, they will let it be know and may ask for a donation to be made to their loved ones favorite charity.
Reply:Yes, cards and food are greatly appreciated, even though you may not feel like eating, everyone gathers at the house for a couple of days and kids still need to be fed and you don't feel like cooking.Love cards, but I prefer donations to a charity or church to flowers.
Reply:i think its the fact that you showed that your there as support and do care. yeah i probably wouldnt want to be giving out lots of details but the fact that someone took the time to think asbout you and go out of their way to cook u a meal or send u a card does mean a lot esp in a time of grief when ur feeling vunerable and alone.
Reply:We forget to eat when people close to us die. When people give food it is a little reminder I think. We don't want to do anything but grieve, but life goes on and you have to survive, so having food there helps that process. Other things I don't think are too necessary. What is someone going to do with a bunch of flowers?
Reply:I have had two grandparents die in the last few years, both lived out of town. I know my family really apreciated the food that was given and the flowers and cards show that people are thinking of you and the deceased is in their prayers.
Reply:I don't think the flowers are so important, but a sympathy card is nice and the food is definitely appreciated AND needed when a family is dealing with funeral arrangements and the grieving process.
Reply:People truly are grateful for flowers and food; esp the latter, as they do need to eat and they eat but not much but it is wonderful not to have to cook or worry about getting food.
Reply:The flowers, I could have done without but nice gesture. The food really came into help because after the funeral, people came back to the house to eat. I didn't feel like cooking %26amp; I didn't have to for about a week.
Reply:In my situation the card was greatly appreciated because my friends really stood by me after my loss.. As for the food it helps because you don't have the energy to do anything but think..
Reply:Both my parents died in the last year. I think that any gesture is a good one - it lets people know that you are thinking of them in their time of need.
Reply:Food is especially appreciated. They won't have the time or the mood to cook.
Reply:Yes, more than you know.
Reply:Yes they do.
Reply:Having recently lost my father, I'll give my personal feelings- Cards were nice, most contained $ or stamps. $ helped with expenses, stamps were used for thank you notes. Food was appreciated, especially items which could be stored for later use. My mother is alone after spouse's death so items not used immediately for family %26amp; friends were used later. Flowers were basically a nusiance. We donated them to the church %26amp; nursing home with the exception of a couple that went to grandchildren's homes. Charitable donations to orginzations helpful to us were also appreciated. ie Cancer Society, American Legion, church.
Reply:Are you kidding? Yes they appreciate it! Yes in some cases they could use the money instead of flowers, but could be rude to send money too. It makes you feel so good to know how many people had good feelings toward your loved one, by all the cards and flowers that are sent! You have to feed all the people who show up for the funeral and even though you may not feel like eating at the moment, when you do it's nice to not have to cook! I'd rather have my food there to entice them to eat and get thrown out, than for them to be hungry and not have something ready without cooking! It's nice to have the food ready to offer well wishers that stop by too! No, I don't think any effort people make to lift your spirits goes unappreciated!!
Reply:In my experience, we appreciated the thought and just a little bit of attention. When my mother-in-law passed from breast cancer, my husband's office sent a very nice flower display to the church with just a company signature on the card. A few guys (95% male company) sent individual cards, and a couple of them made quick phone calls to my husband - this was very nice and appreciated. Just a quick 'thinking of you' gesture.



When I went through a a loss, I really appreciated my friends from work who called or sent flowers, but I think passing around a card is very impersonal and a little tacky. My former workplace had about 200 people and signatures from people I didn't know didn't mean anything to me when presented on a group card. A lady at my gym broke her leg on ice over the winter, and the trainers passed a card around just to get a lot of signatures - I didn't even know her, so I doubt my signature could mean much.
Reply:I do see what you mean. Someone at my work had a relative who was murdered, and the manager of her dept. took it upon herself to send an email out the the entire company with the details of where the body was found and when. I thought that was ridiculous. If some ones spouse committed suicide, I imagine there are a lot of extra emotions along withe the grief and pain. Probably guilt, and possibly embarrassment would be involved as well - the survivor might not want everyone to know how their spouse died. I think that it's nice for the office to send flowers and a card, I'm not sure that everyone in the dept. really has to sign the card, maybe just people who worked with that person on a day to day basis. The food is surely appreciated, but it's possible you're right about the money being more practical. At least your office does something, it would be a lot worse if they did nothing at all.